One third of all U.S. births are to unmarried parents. More and more people are choosing to have a baby first, before they are married. In a society that expects parents to be married (particularly those who live together), it can be confusing and difficult to navigate the legal system, schools, medical care, and more. Learn how to manage these issues and plan for your unmarried family.

 Here is my experience:

Brad and I met in 1998 and started to date in 1999.  We were together for a while with a couple on again and off agains.  The last on again resulted in us deciding that we would eventually marry.  No more off agains.  

In 2001, we got the shock of our lives.  Pregnant.  I was in my last semester on college.  I had just turned 22.  Brad was 19.  We were both still living at home.  I was working two jobs, one full time and one part time.  We were not in the best position to be parents.  Not only that, we still had to tell my parents.  We were terrified.  

We went to my first doctor's appointment and decided that it was time to tell my parents.  One night, Brad and I went into my parents' room.  My mom was the only one home.  We told her we had something to tell her.  She glared, obviously afraid of what we were going to say.  All I could get out was, "I'm pregnant."

"Get out of my sight." she said.  Brad and I went back to my room.  I had packed a bag, afraid that she would kick me out.  Brad stayed with me for a little while longer and then left for the night.  I didn't hear from my mom the rest of the night.  I got up early the next morning and left for school.  I was afraid to talk to anyone.  I was on the train that morning on my way to school when my mom called.  She told me that Dad wanted to see me and talk with me.  I needed to call him and set up a meeting place(since he worked in the city).  I put off calling him until later in the day.  When I called him after my last class, we agreed to meet at the train station and ride the train home together.  I was terrified.  The worst thing I could do, in my mind, was disappoint my father.  I felt that I had totally shamed him.  

We met outside the train station doors.  He had bought a drink for himself and me.  He handed me an iced tea.  He told me I shouldn't be drinking pop as much.  That one act meant the world to me, and I will NEVER forget it.  We got onto the train.  We were unable to find seats since it was a rush hour train.  We stood in the vestabule.  I told him I was sorry.  I told him I never wanted him to be ashamed of me.  I told him I was just so sorry.  He turned to me, "Kelly, I will NEVER be ashamed of my grandchild."  I told him Grandma and Grandpa would not be happy with me.  They would be ashamed of me.  He told me not to worry about them.  He would take care of them.  He would never let them make me feel guilty for my child.  I cried.  I was so happy.  I must have looked so silly there with all the business people.  I was in tears.  

My mom and I had one fight before she came to terms with me.  She vented her frustrations about my future.  I had just gone through college to write for magazines.  Now I wouldn't be able to go to New York like I wanted.  I started to hyperventilate.  That was enough that she calmed down enough to discuss what was going to happen.  Not long after, I found out that she had already bought a whole tote of baby stuff.  She had started right after finding out that I was pregnant.  She really just wanted me to have the future I had worked for.  I love her for that.  

Soon after, my mom asked us what we were going to do.  I had no idea.  Brad and I had been talking about getting married before getting pregnant, but we wanted to wait until I was done with college to start deciding when and where.  I told her we would probably get married.  

Brad and I talked about when.  There were family members that wanted us to tie the knot right then and there.  Brad was against it.  He didn't want the baby to think that we got married just because of it.  He wanted to get married because we loved each other.  I totally agreed with him.  We set the date for a year later on April 13th, 2002.  

I had a few other negative reactions from family.  My grandparents were not happy.  They told me I was lucky I had family to help me with my "mistake".  Another family member told me we were being selfish for not getting married right away.  I obviously just wanted the party.  Right...  The more my family said we didn't deserve a wedding, the bigger my mom made the wedding. 

Soon after I graduated from college, my parents helped us to buy a house.  Brad wanted to be there for the pregnancy.  My mom wouldn't let him move in with them because we were not married.  I totally respected that.  They were so amazing and helped us find a small house we could call our own.  Brad and I used those next several months before our child was born to get to know each other and learn to live together.  

Robin Rusty was born October 9, 2001.  When she was born, the nurses hounded me not to include Brad on the birth certificate.  I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why I wouldn't include him.  He was the father.  We were going to be married.  There was only one thing that bothered me about not being married right away.  Robin had his last name.  In the hospital, she had my name since I was the one in the hospital with her.  Once she and I were out, she carried Brad's name.  I hated it.  I would take her to the doctor, and her name didn't match mine.  It really did bother me that she didn't have my name.  I can see where that would be a problem.  I mean I know I gave birth to her.  I have the stretch marks to prove it, but there could be questions since her name didn't match mine.  

We continued our relationship and endured many ups and downs.   I ended up in the hospital shortly after Robin's birth.  Brad had to care for her on his own.  Poor guy was dumped into fatherhood blindly while I recovered from an infection in the hospital.  After my release, we had various issues.  I was new to motherhood.  Believe me when I say, just because you have younger siblings doesn't mean you are ready for motherhood.  I am the oldest of 8, the youngest born when I was 15, and I still wasn't prepared. 

I started to resent to long nights while Brad slept soundly.  I struggled to function day in and day out.  I felt totally alone.  I felt like a single parent.  My mom told me at one point that we didn't have to marry if I didn't want to.  I think she just saw my desperation.  It was a sweet gesture since they already had a good deal of money sunk into the wedding.  I definitely loved Brad beyond any of these issues.  So we worked through all of this.  On April 13, 2002, we were married.  Robin was 6 months old when we tied the knot.  She was at our wedding.  Not many of her friends can say the same thing.  

So many people predicted our divorce.  They really thought we got married just because of Robin.  Here we are, 6 years later, still happily married and parents of three amazing children.   I will never love anyone as much as I love Brad.  I couldn't see myself with anyone else.  I am glad things worked out the way they did.  Robin is my angel.  She caused me to grow up faster, and she motivated me to better myself.  She made me selfless.  

I am proud that we waited to get married.  I am happy we lived together first.  We really got to know each other much better this way.  I love my husband.  I love my family.  I am happy.  I wouldn't want our lives any other way.