One third of all U.S. births are to unmarried parents. More and more people are choosing to have a baby first, before they are married. In a society that expects parents to be married (particularly those who live together), it can be confusing and difficult to navigate the legal system, schools, medical care, and more. Learn how to manage these issues and plan for your unmarried family.

 Here is my experience:

Brad and I met in 1998 and started to date in 1999.  We were together for a while with a couple on again and off agains.  The last on again resulted in us deciding that we would eventually marry.  No more off agains.  

In 2001, we got the shock of our lives.  Pregnant.  I was in my last semester on college.  I had just turned 22.  Brad was 19.  We were both still living at home.  I was working two jobs, one full time and one part time.  We were not in the best position to be parents.  Not only that, we still had to tell my parents.  We were terrified.  

We went to my first doctor's appointment and decided that it was time to tell my parents.  One night, Brad and I went into my parents' room.  My mom was the only one home.  We told her we had something to tell her.  She glared, obviously afraid of what we were going to say.  All I could get out was, "I'm pregnant."

"Get out of my sight." she said.  Brad and I went back to my room.  I had packed a bag, afraid that she would kick me out.  Brad stayed with me for a little while longer and then left for the night.  I didn't hear from my mom the rest of the night.  I got up early the next morning and left for school.  I was afraid to talk to anyone.  I was on the train that morning on my way to school when my mom called.  She told me that Dad wanted to see me and talk with me.  I needed to call him and set up a meeting place(since he worked in the city).  I put off calling him until later in the day.  When I called him after my last class, we agreed to meet at the train station and ride the train home together.  I was terrified.  The worst thing I could do, in my mind, was disappoint my father.  I felt that I had totally shamed him.  

We met outside the train station doors.  He had bought a drink for himself and me.  He handed me an iced tea.  He told me I shouldn't be drinking pop as much.  That one act meant the world to me, and I will NEVER forget it.  We got onto the train.  We were unable to find seats since it was a rush hour train.  We stood in the vestabule.  I told him I was sorry.  I told him I never wanted him to be ashamed of me.  I told him I was just so sorry.  He turned to me, "Kelly, I will NEVER be ashamed of my grandchild."  I told him Grandma and Grandpa would not be happy with me.  They would be ashamed of me.  He told me not to worry about them.  He would take care of them.  He would never let them make me feel guilty for my child.  I cried.  I was so happy.  I must have looked so silly there with all the business people.  I was in tears.  

My mom and I had one fight before she came to terms with me.  She vented her frustrations about my future.  I had just gone through college to write for magazines.  Now I wouldn't be able to go to New York like I wanted.  I started to hyperventilate.  That was enough that she calmed down enough to discuss what was going to happen.  Not long after, I found out that she had already bought a whole tote of baby stuff.  She had started right after finding out that I was pregnant.  She really just wanted me to have the future I had worked for.  I love her for that.  

Soon after, my mom asked us what we were going to do.  I had no idea.  Brad and I had been talking about getting married before getting pregnant, but we wanted to wait until I was done with college to start deciding when and where.  I told her we would probably get married.  

Brad and I talked about when.  There were family members that wanted us to tie the knot right then and there.  Brad was against it.  He didn't want the baby to think that we got married just because of it.  He wanted to get married because we loved each other.  I totally agreed with him.  We set the date for a year later on April 13th, 2002.  

I had a few other negative reactions from family.  My grandparents were not happy.  They told me I was lucky I had family to help me with my "mistake".  Another family member told me we were being selfish for not getting married right away.  I obviously just wanted the party.  Right...  The more my family said we didn't deserve a wedding, the bigger my mom made the wedding. 

Soon after I graduated from college, my parents helped us to buy a house.  Brad wanted to be there for the pregnancy.  My mom wouldn't let him move in with them because we were not married.  I totally respected that.  They were so amazing and helped us find a small house we could call our own.  Brad and I used those next several months before our child was born to get to know each other and learn to live together.  

Robin Rusty was born October 9, 2001.  When she was born, the nurses hounded me not to include Brad on the birth certificate.  I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why I wouldn't include him.  He was the father.  We were going to be married.  There was only one thing that bothered me about not being married right away.  Robin had his last name.  In the hospital, she had my name since I was the one in the hospital with her.  Once she and I were out, she carried Brad's name.  I hated it.  I would take her to the doctor, and her name didn't match mine.  It really did bother me that she didn't have my name.  I can see where that would be a problem.  I mean I know I gave birth to her.  I have the stretch marks to prove it, but there could be questions since her name didn't match mine.  

We continued our relationship and endured many ups and downs.   I ended up in the hospital shortly after Robin's birth.  Brad had to care for her on his own.  Poor guy was dumped into fatherhood blindly while I recovered from an infection in the hospital.  After my release, we had various issues.  I was new to motherhood.  Believe me when I say, just because you have younger siblings doesn't mean you are ready for motherhood.  I am the oldest of 8, the youngest born when I was 15, and I still wasn't prepared. 

I started to resent to long nights while Brad slept soundly.  I struggled to function day in and day out.  I felt totally alone.  I felt like a single parent.  My mom told me at one point that we didn't have to marry if I didn't want to.  I think she just saw my desperation.  It was a sweet gesture since they already had a good deal of money sunk into the wedding.  I definitely loved Brad beyond any of these issues.  So we worked through all of this.  On April 13, 2002, we were married.  Robin was 6 months old when we tied the knot.  She was at our wedding.  Not many of her friends can say the same thing.  

So many people predicted our divorce.  They really thought we got married just because of Robin.  Here we are, 6 years later, still happily married and parents of three amazing children.   I will never love anyone as much as I love Brad.  I couldn't see myself with anyone else.  I am glad things worked out the way they did.  Robin is my angel.  She caused me to grow up faster, and she motivated me to better myself.  She made me selfless.  

I am proud that we waited to get married.  I am happy we lived together first.  We really got to know each other much better this way.  I love my husband.  I love my family.  I am happy.  I wouldn't want our lives any other way.

Woman studies needs of disabled parents, including self

Posted By BY ANDREA GORDON, THE CANADIAN PRESS

Anita Kaiser has several striking memories from the aftermath of the 1996 car crash that altered her life.

One was a few weeks after doctors told her she would never walk again.

Kaiser, then 24, had been instantly paralyzed from the chest down. With a writing splint and black marker strapped to her hand, she scrawled the phrase "Malcolm and Mariah say hi.'' They were her chosen names for the baby boy or girl she hoped to one day raise.

"It was the very first thing I wrote down, and I wanted it to be significant,'' recalls Kaiser. "Even though it looked like a two-year-old's Halloween writing.''

Twelve years later, five-month-old Olivia wriggles on the floor under her baby gym as her mother recounts the story in the family's condo in Richmond Hill, Ont.

Kaiser's taste in names has changed over the years, but her determination hasn't. "I always wanted to have kids and I knew we could do it,'' she says. "There's no reason a woman with a spinal cord injury can't go on to bear children.''

Adults with disabilities can be as capable and successful as able-bodied parents, Kaiser says, as long as there are devices, resources and services for support. She wants to be an example.

In the last six months, Kaiser has not only become a mother, she has also secured her place as a researcher and advocate for parents with disabilities. The same week Olivia was born in January, she also delivered her master's thesis in rehabilitation science at the University of Toronto. Her thesis examined the needs of parents with spinal cord injuries.

A colleague recently presented her research to a conference of the Canadian Association of Occupational Therapists, attended by 300 professionals from Canada and abroad. The study, which involved 12 mothers and fathers with spinal cord injuries, is unique in a field where there has been little research.

About 36,000 Canadians are living with spinal cord injuries, according to the Toronto Rehabilitation Institute, which supported Kaiser's education through a scholarship. Roughly 100 new cases occur each year, and most are among people in their child-bearing years. While some are already parents, a growing number are choosing to start families post-injury.

Kaiser says it's the result of improved social acceptance and accessibility, and the growth in specialized fertility and obstetrical services for the disabled.

I have heard many people question why a mother with a disability would ever become a parent? How could they be that selfish to their child? I believe this couldn't be further from the truth.

My best friend is the only child to a mother who is paralyzed from the waist down. She has limited use of her arms and hands and has many other health issues that are the result of an automobile accident that happened when she was 17. His father also suffers many physical problems. They met after high school and married, both taking on each other's health issues. Both could not be more amazing parents if they tried. Their son is my son's godfather. He is my best friend. He is close friends with most of my family. He is one of the most amazing human beings I have had the honor of knowing. If they would have stuck with the selfishness of NOT having children just because of their disabilities, my family and I would be without one of the most important people in our lives. I truly believe that disabled parents are just as capable as able bodied people. I think they even appreciate what they are able to do that much more. It was a miracle for my friend's mom to carry him. It was a miracle that they both survived. It is a miracle all around. I am grateful regularly for his place in our lives. This article just makes me appreciate what his parents did that much more.

Babies not breastfed enough: study

The Australian Institute of Family Studies found that by the time babies were six months old the number who were being exclusively breastfed had dropped to 14 per cent, compared to 80 per cent at birth and 56 per cent at three months old.

The World Health Organization recommends that babies should be 100 per cent breastfed for the first six months of life "to achieve optimal growth, development and health", Fairfax reports this morning.

"Breastfeeding is the normal way to feed a baby and by not breastfeeding there are risks to a baby's health, there are lots of studies that document that," Australian Breastfeeding Association national president Margaret Grove told Fairfax.

"I think women are made to feel embarrassed by breastfeeding and people sometimes feel a bit squeamish about it."

The report also found that the majority of the children surveyed were being fed solids earlier than WHO guidelines recommended. The organization suggests the introduction of solids at six months, but by five months 62 per cent of children in the study were already on solids.

Last year a wide-scale parliamentary inquiry into breastfeeding found that by the time Australian babies reached six months of age only 18 per cent were being exclusively breastfed. The inquiry also said the rate of breastfeeding among children older than six months was well below a number of Western countries including Sweden, Canada and Great Britain, according to Fairfax.

The Federal Government this year allocated $2.5 million over five years for a national breastfeeding helpline.

Ms Grove said her organisation fielded 250,000 counselling calls a year from women needing help and information.

Hmmm.....  Now understand I know there are perfectly good reasons why a mother doesn't choose to breastfeed.  I know there are things that come up.  I know there are difficulties that sometimes can not be overcome.  I ran into them with my son.  I had to take medication to have a milk supply.  Even then, it was almost non existant.  There are other complications that go into it as well.  I will admit that I don't understand the mother who doesn't at least try, but I am not them, so I don't know what is going through their heads.  They may have a perfectly good reason.

Something I have experienced and really wonder if it is the cause of this drop is highlighted above.  It seems that at birth, the percentage is high.  Most women are breastfeeding.  Then after time, the percentage drops, and I really think that embarrassment is huge reason for that. 

With my son, I was EMBARRASSED as all get out to nurse in public.  With Logan, if we were out, I brought out the formula instead of the breast(no wonder I had supply issues).  I was scared to death to whip out my breast in front of others.  I live in an area where up to my son's birth, I had NEVER seen ANYONE nursing in public.  Breastfeeding was not something that was encouraged as much as it should be.  I was afraid.  Plain and simple.  I would only nurse in the car or if the facility we were in had a nursing room.  I even restored to nursing in the bathroom  How disgusting is that?  It had been drilled in my mind that breastfeeding was dirty and something that should be hidden away.  I got tired of sitting in place.  I got tired of hiding.  I got tired of feeling like a burden.  So I broke out the formula.  I really wish I hadn't.  I really wish I would have stuck with it. 

I made that vow to stick with it when Evie was born.  Before her birth, I had no intention of breastfeeding.  Don't ask me wh.  I really don't know.  But when she was born and she was a perfect latch, I couldn't stop myself.  I vowed she would get nothing by breastmilk for as long as I could keep it up.  Guess what that meant.  Nursing in public and stay in the house for the first 6 months of her life.  I wasn't about to let being a breastfeeding mother limit my life.  I wish I remember the first time I nursed in public, but I do remember the first time I walked around nursing.  We were out in Walmart.  Evie was hungry.  I whipped it out!  I covered up, but I still whipped it out.  I walked around Walmart proudly nursing my daughter.  I finally held my head up high and did what was right and perfectly legal for me to do.  I did gets some questioning looks from other shoppers.  The worst critizism came from my own sister.  She didn't want to be anywhere near me because of what I was doing. 

Why is it that women are the worst critics of something we should all be encouraging each other to do?  She acted as though it was gross and disgusting.  I have seen evidence of other women thinking this in my time on message boards.  It is a sad thing that other women feel ashamed to nurse their babies.  It is even worse that women are the ones feeding this shame.  

Sticking to the commitment to nurse my daughter has been the best thing I have done.  I feel closer to her.  I feel like I am really doing right by here.  I feel liberated knowing that I am out there being seen nursing.  I am hoping that if nursing mothers are more visible, then other mothers won't be so embarrassed. 

Should mothers breastfeed in public?